Spouse Search: Interviewing Random Men

The art of match making is not something that everyone can boast possessing of. Some people are really good at it and some people, well, they’d be better off trying gardening. In this 2017 society, if you don’t show up home with that guy or girl before 27, parents assume control. Suddenly, they want your best picture, your salary details and your current address. And before a blink of an eye, blimey! You’ve got yourself a matrimony profile.

India is a diverse country. There are tens of majorly spoken languages, confusingly high number of states, religions, casts, sub-castes and what not. BharathMatrimony is the saviour to all the Indian parents’ need that arises when their off spring is 27. I can’t believe that they have over 200 websites aimed at specific caste, religion and sub-caste groups. After all, marriage is such an over hyped matter in our country.

What I found funny was the availability of a so called ‘Premium membership’ in BharathMatrimony. Hey, guess what, if you avail that, of course, at a small price, you can strike up a conversation with a random person on the site if they ‘show interest.’ Well, that sounds pretty much similar to what Tinder does, except that Tinder has no reservations based on religion or caste.

So with such a huge monkey of marriage on her back, my poor friend, who has kindly agreed for her experiences to be written out, was sitting and sipping coffee at her desk. She’s quite straight forward and a tad boyish; she does not hesitate to chase after me at work to take a bite of my ice cream or grab the piece of pizza from my desk. These are the type of people who might have experiences worth listening to because of their spontaneity of response and of course, the frankness of it too. I documented the below (and will narrate in first person) experiences she had with dates her parents had setup for a prospective groom for her.

Experience 1:

ESC Food Court, Bangalore

She could not recognise him at all. The face looked radically different. Was she sitting with a totally different person? How could this mishap have happened? There can’t be many people of the same name, wearing the same coloured clothes waiting for her at the same place at the same time. All that she could match was the ears. Yes, the shape of the ears can’t change. After a 20 minute lunch and a 15 minute disinterested chatter, he asked her,

‘So, what’s your decision?’

‘I think I’ll tell my parents. They’ll convey it to yours, I’m sure.’

‘No. I guess you can tell me direct.’

‘Alright,’ she said and pulled out her phone. She opened the matrimony app, turned the phone facing him and said,

‘I came here to meet him. Sorry, but you don’t look anything like the picture at all.’

Bottom-line: Where’s the hair, dude?

Result: Rejected, for lying and not doing anything about hair fall!

Experience 2:

Bandel, Hoogly District

She wasn’t even spared during the holidays she had flown home. The ‘possibly-groom’s’ parents arrived and took the sofa at the drawing room of her residence. Sometimes one does not need to wonder about certain traits that a few people have. They are just passed down from their parents. My friend’s mum, after inconsequential blather zoned in on the point that had been disturbing her overnight.

‘Your son is hardly 29, yet you say he earns 29 lakhs per annum. That’s a little hard to believe, I must say.’

‘I completely understand,’ said the groom’s mother and pulled out a piece of paper and passed it on.

Take a guess! That was the groom’s salary slip. Now, who the heck carries a salary slip around as a proof to such a meeting? By the way, the numbers were true!

Result: Rejected; because she felt his monthly taxes is twice her salary.

Experience 3:

If you’ve spoken enough to girls in this ‘looking out for the groom’ phase, you’ll know that they are invariably bound to come across a totally barbaric and lust filled, malicious piece of crap at one point of time or the other. They come with a fat salary package, old, tired and looking to fulfill physical needs more than anything. This was one such unfortunate experience.

House of Commons, Bengaluru

She had already discounted the guy in front of her for he was gazing in a discomforting way. The off shoulder dress was too much for the man opposite her to resist. His first line was, ‘You are looking hot.’ Ahhh, you made a mistake, sire. That’s not what you say to your prospective wife on your first set-up date.

…

‘Why don’t you apply nail polish? You seem to have long nails.’

‘You harried me too much. I did not find enough time. But I have the habit of applying nail polish. Guess I’ve got my feet nails polished.’

‘Is it?’ and with that, he proceeded to bend underneath the table. My friend was too shocked to react and was blushing for a considerable amount of time.

He: So you’ve had a boyfriend before?

She: Yes and you?

‘Yes, a long distance relationship; been couple of years since we broke up.

A long pause later,

He: Did you had…?’

She: ‘What do you mean?’

‘I meant uhhh…I don’t think you are that dumb not to understand what I’m asking.’

‘Oh…No. And you?’

‘No, never once! It was always long distance. But I have done full research; in depth and detailed research, I have done it.’

By this time, she was burning inside. ‘What if I just splash this entire glass of vodka on his face?’ she thought. Just as though he had not done enough damage to his image, he finished off with the words,

‘Just implementation is remaining.’

He did not stop and went on. ‘Do you have any fantasies?’

‘Well, I’m not really comfortable speaking about my fetishes to a person I’ve just met.’

The reception was muted. He tried again, attempting to fish more.

‘You know, these days it is quite common to have ‘it’ before marriage. People have changed.’

‘May be but I don’t have that sought of a thought process.’

The rest of the conversation was nothing remarkable. My friend was waiting for the meal to get over for she was not ready to spend even another second with this man. The misery continued after he pressed her to offer him a lift to his residence. It was long before the ordeal was over.

Result: Rejected, of course!

Experience 4:

Punjabi Rasoi, Bengaluru

Mausi’s son and his wife were celebrating their anniversary and for no reason, she got dragged into their dinner. She should have suspected this coming, but she was caught off guard when they were met by a young man, their distant relative and his mum at the restaurant.

Throughout the dinner the mum kept asking probing questions.

‘Beta, do you cook?’

‘How good are you with non-veg dishes?

‘What are your work timings?’

‘How often do you clean your room?’

‘What’s your salary package?’

She knew with every question that it was a well-planned through probe conducted by the mum to scrutinise her for the post of a prospective daughter-in-law. Like Jeffery Archer’s ‘Twist in the Tale,’ there came one here.

Just as they were about to disperse after dinner, my friend waved at the probing ‘could-be-mother-in-law’ and said, ‘bye auntie ji’ and looked at her son and said, ‘bye bhaiya.’

Well, that’s a last ball six to win!

Result: Royally Rejected