The First Crush vs. Other Romantic Relationships

I am sure half of you had that person’s image flashing across you in a school uniform when you read the word, ‘First crush.’ That was the age, wasn’t it? Evening time, after school hours you rush to have a last glance before an agonising 14-15 hour wait before the next sight; worse on weekends, two whole days. Those were days which will never be replaced; a feeling that can never be matched throughout our lives.

What makes the first crush so very special? She/he would not have even known our presence in this cosmos yet the sensation that engulfed us was incredibly powerful and made us feel that we definitely have a sure shot connection with the other person. Remember how your heart used to throb, literally making you conscious of the noise and the fizzy sensation that your head felt or the way the palms used to sweat? I can remember them, very vaguely. I used to pass by her near the playground and then circle the entire building and pass by her again through the little passage which had huge fish tanks on either side.

Just one look would blow me apart. Why can’t we feel that way again? You go out with a pretty girl from work, share intimate moments but it feels nothing even remotely close to what you used to experience. Why? The answer to this is quite simple, like most things with nature.

Ego!

Yes, ego. That’s what makes the difference. And when I say ‘Ego’ I do not mean the stereotypical definitions of ‘self-worth and self-esteem’ alone. On a deeper level, ego is manifestation of ‘self’ risen from the upbringing and societal influence.

Typically, first crushes occur when we are in school; that is when we are about 14-17. When compared to the ego every one of us carry now, what we had at 15 was just an easily traversable layer of dust. How many ever times she turned her head away on seeing us, how many ever times she reprimanded us, how many ever times she rejected us, we always went behind her. We had no care for the society; the concept of ‘shame’ and ‘public image’ was non-existent. What we experienced was an almost direct feeling without any screen of ego.

But now, we have a public image to take care of, the concept of shame involved, a principle of self-worth and a mind which will not handle rejection. What did all these do to us? They cut down the intensity of experience itself. These are like a thin filter on your eyes ever persistent, so close that you’ll deny its existence. But alas, the visuals through it will never be as brilliant and as colourful as you had once seen without any of them.